Sigh.
My computer hasn't worked for over a month so I haven't been able to jump on and update this poor bastard like I wish I could. I hacked into Mike's work computer to post this. Hacking may be taking it a little far, he uses variations of the same password. But I wish I could share a photo or two of the J this summer.
Anyway. It's that lovely time of the month where I have racing thoughts, lots of anxiety and insomnia, and knee-jerk temper issues. I didn't have this crap when I had the iud, but since I'm all nice and sterile, the cycle has returned. I mean it I'm a mess. I can lay in bed and convince myself that I will absolutely die of a shark attack the next time I'm in the ocean, never mind that I rarely go in past "knee deep".
My term of endearment for Michael has temporarily become "motherfucker" and I left him speechless earlier my demanding to know what the hell was wrong with him. Seriously I am ga ga for this dude, he is typically a coddled hubby and does not know how to handle me like this. Esp since I didn't ovulate for seven years (various high-powered birth control methods). He's WAY out of practice.
To top it all off I am reading the most terrifying book ever published. It's about adoption, naturally. The short version is that our child will come to us terrified and drowning in abandonment issues.
Abandonment issues?? Yes apparently she will struggle with her sense of loss her whole life. So now we already have two broken hearts. Hers become she will be placed in my arms broken, mine because I am seeing this terrible burden she will carry and there is absolutely nothing i can do to keep this from happening. Of course the book does say there are some adopted kids/adults who have never have any issues, but that in all likely hood, OUR baby will have this pain.
In her shoes I'm sure I would. Yes socialization is huge, but so many traits are inherited. My father and I sometime try to out-anxiety each other. I haven't been in many emergency situations Thank God but when I am I recognize my mothers complete unflappable faith that we will experience a good or great outcome. How crazy would I be if I had never meet these people? And other things too. Nobody else in my family has green eyes. They are all a beautiful bright blue. No one knows where my eye color came from. This is mildly annoying to me, and I can only imagine how slippery my footing would be if I could not find my chin, nose, and cheekbones in my parents.
My friend Katfish has tried to comfort me on this subject. Not our dog Catfish. I could pour my heart out to her and she would say "Bitch go dig that pizza crust out of the trash for me".
Katfish was a social worker in another life and she married the Wrong Man who cheated and left when their baby girl was four. She says I am WAY ahead of the curve. She watched her child get "broken" as a preschooler and says the process was so absolutely revoltingly painful she's not sure she would even have her daughter if she had it to do over again. I find her statement shocking, but brave. I will know the pain is there, she says, I can handle it because I will see it coming and ride it with her.
I suppose I should comment on Motherfucker's take. He says that it sounds awful, but not near enough to keep from having her. Yeah yeah he's father of the year.
I know I'm writing a book here, but there's just one more thing. J got into a fight at computer camp! I punished him and all that jazz (no tv, had to mop) but it cracks me up that our nerdy little guy poked another kid in the eye over who was going to get technical assistance first.
Em
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